Work in Progress- One year ago I made a decision

One year ago I made a decision that changed everything. A decision to put me first. I stepped away from the life that I knew (a life I had accepted as the best it could be) and pursue a greater challenge, the challenge of pursuing myself. I realized that even if you are the only one in your corner, you’re in good company, and I was okay with that.

40 years old, overweight, insecure, unhappy. I had allowed everyone else’s opinions of me to become deeply rooted as my own, destroying my self-worth as it took root. Though, some of those opinions were in my own head, not everyone saw me as I thought they did. It wasn’t all negative, but some was. I realized what I needed to take personal responsibility for and the others who really disliked me, well, that helped me narrow down who my real friends are. Opinions are like assholes…everybody has one; it doesn’t mean they are right. We can’t control how people think of us, speak of us, judge us, or whether they like us or not. I’ve had friendships dissolve over the kind of handbags I carry. Do material things really matter that much? I guess to some people they do. When it comes to what people think of us we shouldn’t care at all. It was my mentor Gabrielle Chanel who said “I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t think of you at all.” Yes, I consider her a mentor, not only as a fashion icon but as a woman, a woman who didn’t like her history so she rewrote it. She created her future, constructing her own life exactly as she wanted it; as detailed as the little black dress me made famous. That’s the woman I aspire to be. Never settle, never get complacent and when people think you’re down and out go back to the drawing board, re-design and show them what they missed out on. I thought to myself, what would Coco do?

So I walked away….

I left behind money, security, a few good friendships, many unhealthy relationships, and was left with nothing but time on my hands to figure out where the hell I was going from there. I needed time to breathe, to think. Now I had it in abundance. It was glorious. Step one, go see my son.

New York City September 2019: Family is important. Always take time to be with the ones you love. I needed to see my son since he moved away. Eighteen years old and living and working in the big apple all on his own. I needed to see that he was okay, happy, healthy, eating, surviving. Peace of mind is everything. If you don’t have peace of mind you can’t concentrate on other areas of your life; so I took off to NYC for the second long awaited time, saw my son, saw the city that I love so much, and as a family spent invaluable time together. One of our highlights was seeing our favorite boxer fight in Madison Square Garden, people watching during lunch at Loeb Boathouse in Central Park & running in the rain after leaving a movie theater in Union Square; laughing so hard we could barely get our breath. Priceless. Until next time NYC…I’ll be back.

Austin, TX October 2019: The city is in my blood again, it inspires me, and I recognize the hold it has on my kid, and why he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. It has a hold of me too, but I can’t stay. I return inspired to turn myself into likes of the many women I see entering and exiting the Plaza Hotel. One day I too will be one them; I’m certain of it. I had already lost weight after my wisdom teeth surgery, not a lot but enough to see the potential. My son said to me during our visit “I would be so proud of you if you lost a lot of weight.” He’s always been proud of me, loves me, and It wasn’t meant to be rude, it was on the contrary raw unabashed honesty. He saw my potential even when I didn’t, and it stuck with me and carried me through every pound I lost.

If New York City taught me anything at all, it taught me how much I love to walk. So I walked, 3 miles, 5 miles, 7, sometimes as much as 9 miles a day! Walking is my therapist, and nature is my lover. I’m having an affair with the outdoors and the act of moving, being active, watching clouds, and carving my body back to where it belongs like the ancient gondola makers of centuries past. I read a book titled “Walking” by Erling Kagge one of my favorite passages reads “It was here that I learned about a valuable Inuit tradition. If you are so angry that you can hardly control your feelings, you are asked to leave your home and walk in a straight line through the landscape outside until your anger has left you. You then mark the point at which your anger is released with a stick in the snow. In this way, the length, or the strength, of ones rage is measured. The most sensible thing that you can do if you are angry-a condition where our reptilian brain rules our decisions -is to walk for a while away from the object of your anger.” I walked. Away from anger, past hurts, people who’d wrong me, people who didn’t believe in me, mistakes I’d made, and shed the person I no longer wanted to be.

One of my favorite books is “Siddhartha” by Herman Hess In it Siddhartha says “I can think, I can wait, and I can fast.” I’m waiting, I’m thinking, I’m walking…so I begin to fast. In my journey so much like, but so unlike Siddhartha I learned to think. About my past, my desires, my abilities. I learned to wait. Covid happened and job opportunities dried up but with that it allowed me to continue my thinking, my training, my self-improvement. Over the last several months I think we all learned to slow down and wait. Our son came home when NYC went on lockdown. It was a blessing. I learned to fast. I learned I don’t need the amount of food I thought I needed to live. I learned how great my body functions on less food. The health benefits of giving your digestive system time to rest. 150 fasts later and it’s now an addictive habit I don’t intend to break.

I discovered that no matter how much weight I end up losing there’s always more work to be done. Always something to improve and refine. I entered an online Swiss Finishing School where I continued my transformation to become the person I know I am meant to be. I learned personal branding, fashion, etiquette, networking, and much more. I can comfortably dine with the Queen herself if the opportunity presents itself. 😆 See, changing your body is great, but changing your actions & your mind it critical too. Being in a community of women who strive for more and refuse to settle for the status quo is crucial. If you want to be better, be around people who are always trying to better themselves. This led to my practice of the Law of Attraction.

I believe that what we think about we bring about. It’s not rocket science. How many times have you thought I’m fat and what does the universe give you in return? You’re overweight and miserable trying to eat your way out of the misery. How many times have you said I don’t have enough money. The universe hears (I don’t have money) and returns to you a lack of money. When we’re focused on the (lack) of something we in turn receive more of what we’re focused on; lack. When we’re focused on abundance of something we in turn receive more abundance. Like attracts like. The law of attraction has taught me to make gratitude a daily practice and habit. Gratitude for all the things around me now and gratitude for what my life looks like 1 year and 10 years down the road. It has made a profound difference because there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Right now I am grateful for my fingers because they allow me to type my thoughts in this article. I’m grateful for my laptop because it allows me to do my job and participate in my hobbies such as my website and this very article you’re reading now. See..it’s easy! Try for 1 week to write down 10 things every day that you are grateful for. Write what it is you’re grateful for and why. Do this in the morning and your day is automatically off to a fantastic start. With the help of my finishing school and the Law of Attraction I learned where I needed additional work mentally and spiritually. I am still working on this every single day. Aleyna Segura is a “work in progress” and that makes me happy. I have something to look forward to! I recognized that I was holding myself back mentally because my thoughts and mental dialogue were not in line with my heart and my desires. I first had to figure out what life I wanted to live and who I aspired to be. I was living in a body that I didn’t feel comfortable in. I was thinking with the mentality of a person who doesn’t live the life I want to live. I was thinking of myself as a woman who doesn’t have what it takes to achieve the lifestyle and life I desire. NO MORE!

Austin, TX August 2020: A year has passed. I’m over 50 pounds lighter, not only in body but also in spirit. My goal is 60 so I’m still a few away from where I will end up. It took a lot of walking to get the weight off and a lot of walking away from demons in my past, people who had wronged me, disliked me and counted me out; resentment and bitterness and negative thoughts. Through my public weight loss transformation I learned that I had the ability to motivate and inspire others to change, to try a new way of life and that was especially rewarding. During this process I discovered it’s okay to be selfish, to take a sabbatical (I highly recommend it for everyone).

I am grateful that a new opportunity found me that I helped manifest it myself. I have a clear set of goals for the life I want to live, down to the clothes I’ll put in my future closet. I’m planning my first trip to Europe next summer where I’ve felt a calling my entire life and I am open to whatever unfolds. I’m learning to say YES! To opportunity, new friends, to things that I desire, when I see people living the life I want I say “YES!”

Life is about the experience and I crave it. I choose happiness, opportunity, and I choose to run towards what scares me, what challenges me, because that’s ultimately what will make me the woman I know I am meant to be. Though there’s so much more work to go, I am proud of my progress so far. And I know Coco would be too. 😃